The Silence
The moment my mom passed, the silence was overwhelming. There had been an oxygen concentrator running for years that suddenly stopped. I hated the sound of that machine because I knew what it meant for my mother. It was now silent and I found myself longing for that sound again and for my mother to be here with us. Grieving the loss of a parent is something that just can’t be described. I imagine it is different for everyone, but boy does it cut like a knife. Three weeks later I lost my dog and both my boys went off to college. I was taking care of all of these important family members and then— I wasn’t. The silence was deafening. I was shocked into this new part of life that I knew was coming. The numbness took over and it was just quiet. There was a long period of time that I did everything I could to stay out of the house. It wasn’t the same and I didn’t want to be there. Everywhere I turned was evidence of my mom and Molly. How could I go back to living in a normal way without them? It took a long time to come around a bit and accept this different house and way of living. It will never be the same and there are moments that grief hits and the pain is unbearable. When those moments subside, I try to focus on the good memories and how blessed I am to have had these family members. After some time I starting creating and writing this blog.
What Grief Teaches Me
I was going to title this What Grief Taught Me, but grief has no time stamp, and in my opinion, will always be something we experience long after our loss. It will just change over time and we learn to live with it. It will come and go in waves. The silence after my losses allowed me to do a LOT of thinking. I had a lot of sad, angry and anxious thoughts. Often times I had a feeling of panic—how will I function without my mom? She had ALWAYS been there, especially after my father passed several years prior. Whatever it is that you are feeling after the loss of a parent or family member, it is OK. There is no right or wrong way to feel and definitely no time limit to grief. It is REAL and we owe ourselves the time it takes to get through the most difficult stages of it. You probably have to function at work or take care of children during these times and that is NOT easy. Lean on friends and family. They are most likely willing to help, listen or just be there for you. I tended to isolate myself and avoid social activities for fear of the energy it took to pretend to be ok. It is ok to not be ok. But getting out there, whether it is with a group or just a quiet walk, will help.
It took quite some time for me to start thinking about myself and how to take care of me. I wanted to switch gears as far as work goes, so I began researching how to start a blog. I have always loved to write, so why not try to reach women like me going through this phase in life that is filled with change and rediscovery. Maybe my experience can help someone else and so on? I hope so.
If You’re There Too
I know what it feels like to experience grief and likely you do too if you are here. I am not going to tell you that I know how you feel because no one can know exactly how YOU feel, but sometimes sharing our feelings with those who know what its like to lose a parent, a pet or anyone important to them, just helps us feel like we are not alone in this pain.
My hope is that this blog becomes a space where women walking a similar path can feel supported, connected, and inspired — and begin to live with purpose and joy, while carrying the love of those we’ve lost in our hearts.
Read more about rediscovering purpose and finding joy here.
