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I wish someone had told me how to live without my parents. Losing them was the biggest of my midlife transitions, but it was never the only one. The changes kept coming, and many of them overlapped. This is what I have learned so far, along with what I am still figuring out.
Midlife Transitions Don’t Wait Their Turn
I used to picture life changes arriving one at a time, with a little space in between to catch my breath. That is not how it has worked for me. While I was still finding my way after losing my parents, my sons were growing up and leaving, my body started changing, and I realized I wasn’t sure what I was actually doing with my own life.
The people I used to lean on for guidance and support are no longer here, so I have had to learn to lean on myself more. What I have learned is that you can feel proud of how far you have come and still be unsure about what is next, both in the same week.
The House Empties Out, Then Fills Back Up Differently
My sons spent a good part of each year away at college, and the house felt empty in a way I had to get used to. Then my graduate came home to work full time, and that turned out to be a different kind of adjustment. He is on his own schedule now, and he still likes the meals and the food in the fridge, wink wink.
He is no longer a kid I am raising, and he is not fully out on his own either. I am still finding my footing in what my role is with him now. The empty nest, I have learned, does not stay one thing for long.
Your Body Changes the Rules Too
I can feel menopause hitting, and it has not been easy. I tried estrogen, but it gave me heart palpitations, so that was not the answer for me. I am not a doctor, and every woman’s situation is different, so please talk with yours about what is right for you.
What I did do was start a fitness and health journey, and I am loving it. I feel stronger and motivated to stick with it, and it feels good to have something that is just for me. I will be super pumped when I see the bigger differences. This body is no longer in its 20s and 30s, but I sure as heck am working to make it feel that way again.
When the Role You Loved Changes
I was deeply involved in my kids’ lives, and then I took care of my mom for a long time. I chose that role, I loved it, and I would do it again in a heartbeat. I actually miss it, and I think that is why this transition has been so hard.
There was this shock involved because how quickly it changed. It happens before you realize it. One day you are needed in every way, and then the role shifts, and there is a stretch of time where you have to get used to that. I found myself thinking, “Oh, I can do some things for myself now,” and then wondering whether I even knew how.
Is it nice to focus on myself a little more? Yes, it is. But, at times it feels unnatural. Somewhere during all of this, I lost track of what I was actually doing with my own life. Now I am working on this blog and working outside of it too, and I am figuring out how those pieces fit together.
I did not know my life would transition this way. Roles change before anything is ready to replace them, and for a while there is just an open space where the old routine used to be. If that sounds like you, I’m right there too, and I think we are simply in between.
What I Know Now
- Midlife transitions overlap, so feeling overwhelmed does not mean you are handling things badly.
- You may lose the people you used to lean on right when you need them most.
- You do not need a complete life plan to take a next step.
- Putting yourself first a little more can be part of the answer.
- The unknown is scary, and it also holds real opportunity.
I have become more independent through all of this, and somehow I feel my parents are guiding me through it.
A Question to Take With You
You do not have to figure out the whole next chapter tonight. You can start with one question: what do I want now, and is there one small step I can take toward it?
If you feel like you have lost track of yourself somewhere in all these changes, I made a free 3-day challenge for exactly that. Join 3 Days to Feel Like Yourself Again
If this sounds familiar, you might also like How to Feel Like Yourself Again in Midlife After a Hard Year.
