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If you are facing the holidays after losing a parent, I want you to know something right from the start. I don’t have a magic answer, and I won’t pretend to. I have been where you are, more than once, and I know how hard it can be. What I can do is share what helped me get through those first holidays without my dad and then my mom, in case one small piece of it helps you too.
Grief doesn’t follow a calendar, but the holidays have a way of making it much more difficult. Everyone around you is decorating and making plans, and you are bracing yourself for an empty chair.
There Is No Book That Can Fix This
I wish I could make this easier for you. I really do. There is no book I could write that would help you miraculously get through this kind of loss. In fact, I don’t even know how I got through those first holidays without my parents. I just know that I did, and that you can too, even if it doesn’t feel possible right now.
Everyone will face this at some point. It’s an unfortunate truth, and knowing that doesn’t make it hurt any less when it’s your turn.
When the First Year Is a Blur
My father was the first. His diagnosis was devastating, and within one year to the day of hearing it, he was gone. He was the man who did everything for everybody, with energy like I’ve never seen. He was always happy and always making us laugh, and he was the one who quietly did everything for everyone in the background. I thought he would live forever, until he didn’t.
I will truthfully tell you that the whole first year after his death is a complete blur. I don’t think my mind ever really accepted it.
After he was gone, my focus shifted right to my mom. What now? She was going to be alone, and her health was actually much worse than my father’s had been. She had already been living with COPD for a few years. We always did things together, so filling that void was something I would have done anyway, but she became my every worry.
Why the Quiet Can Be the Hardest Part
The fact is, I really couldn’t function. Every silent moment brought me back to him. I would have flashbacks of him on his deathbed, or of the weeks leading up to his death when he didn’t look like himself or even seem like himself anymore. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw that, and it was like that for a long time.
Silence and quiet time were hard for me because that’s when it would all come back. I found myself turning music on in the early morning while I got the kids ready for school, and keeping it on after everyone left and I was there by myself. It was a small thing, but it helped me get through the day.
If the quiet is hard for you right now, I understand. Fill it with whatever helps.
The Dread of the Holidays Coming Closer
As the holidays approached, I felt anxious. I knew there would be that empty chair, and I knew everyone at the table would feel it.
If you are feeling that dread right now, as the stores fill up with lights and the invitations start coming in, please know that it’s normal. Your heart knows what’s coming long before the day arrives.
Nobody tells you about this part. If you are in the middle of a season you never imagined, I wrote a free guide called When a Season Ends for exactly this. It’s a heartfelt guide for women navigating life’s hardest transitions, and it comes from my own experience of losing my mom and my dog Molly so close together. Get When a Season Ends free here.
What Helped Me Get Through the Holidays After Losing a Parent
These aren’t rules, and they won’t take the ache away. They are simply the things that helped me, and I hope one of them helps you.
1. Be With the People Who Loved Them Too
The number one thing that helped me was being with others who felt the same way about the person I lost. My only comfort that first year was being with my family: my own family, my mother, my brothers and their families, and the aunts and uncles who all loved my father. They understood without me having to explain anything.
They weren’t around all the time, though. Life moves on, and that crowd of security around you doesn’t stay forever. That’s one reason the holidays can matter so much. If you can, spend time with the people who loved your mom or dad the way you did. Tell the stories, and laugh about the things they used to say. You don’t have to hold it together for anyone in that room.
If your family is spread out this year, a phone call or a video chat with someone who knew them can help more than you might think.
2. Bring Their Favorite Things to the Holiday
It made me feel better to include their favorite things, whether it was something to give, something to cook or something to watch. I felt as though I was continuing their tradition, or bringing them to the holiday in the only way I knew how. It also made me feel like they would be proud to know we were continuing something that was important to them.
In another post about loss, I shared the idea of naming a holiday drink or dish after the person you lost. I want to be clear that I am not making light of the loss when I suggest this. I desperately needed to feel like I was bringing their love with us to a holiday that meant so much to them, knowing we would all be together. Something as simple as Dad’s favorite pie on the table, or Mom’s recipe made exactly the way she made it, gives everyone a way to say their name.
A few ideas to try:
- Make their signature dish or dessert, even if it doesn’t come out quite like theirs.
- Watch the holiday movie they watched every single year.
- Give a gift they would have loved to give.
- Name a holiday drink after them and raise a glass to them with it.
3. Keep Talking to Them
Do you remember telling your mom every little thing on the phone that she and only she would want to hear? I still do that. I talk to her sometimes and hope that she hears me.
“Hey Mom, do you like the tree this year? I know you loved all the lights and that pretty garland. I put it up just like that again.”
It may sound silly to some people, but it helps me feel close to her. If there is something only your mom or dad would want to hear, go ahead and tell them.
4. Create the Atmosphere They Loved
Any pretty little lights, whether they are for the holidays or not, remind me of my mom. I create the atmosphere I knew she would love, and it makes me happy and helps me feel her presence.
This time of year, I tuck flameless candles around the house. They give off that soft, warm glow she loved, and I never have to worry about a real flame burning. You can find them, along with a few of my other cozy favorites, in my Amazon Storefront.
Think about what made the holidays feel like them. Maybe it was a certain song playing in the kitchen, a scent from the oven or the way the house looked when you walked in. Bringing a little of that back can be a real comfort.
5. Live On the Way They Would Want You To
The second thing that helped me most was choosing to live on as they would want me to, doing the things I love and the things they would be excited about. I get through the holidays by living like they would, loving my kids like they would and reminding my boys how proud of them their grandparents would be.
They loved us so much. If they can be close to us somehow, I believe they most certainly will be with us.
6. Let a Hard Day Be a Hard Day
Some days during the holidays will simply be hard, and that’s okay. You don’t have to make every day meaningful or do everything you used to do. On the days when getting through is enough, it really is enough.
For days like that, I created What Counts Today. It helps you decide what actually matters on the day you have, including a Getting Through The Day plan for when that is all you can manage. Take a look at What Counts Today here.
It Still Aches, and That’s Okay
I wish I could tell you the ache goes away. It doesn’t, at least not completely. It still aches for me, even as I write this with tears in my eyes.
This past summer, I was going through my parents’ things as we were selling their home. I found the box that held all the New Year’s paper hats and the plastic champagne flutes, each one labeled with a grandkid’s name. It was heartbreaking. Those little things held so much love, and they still do.
The ache is part of how much we loved them. It changes shape over time, and some years are less harsh than others, but it stays with us because they did.
You Are Not Alone This Holiday Season
If you are facing the holidays after losing a parent, I just want you to know that I understand how hard this is. I can’t make it easier, and I wish I could. What I can tell you is that you don’t have to get through it perfectly. You only have to get through it in your own way.
Be with the people who loved them. Bring their favorite things with you, talk to them and turn on the lights they loved. Live the way they would want you to, and let yourself feel all of it.
If Thanksgiving is your first hurdle, you might also find some comfort in my post Navigating The Holidays After Loss.
If you would like something to hold onto through this season, my free guide When a Season Ends is here for you. You can get it here.
